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Post Calaneus Fracture
laugh of the year
notes from an inexperienced chili tester, who spent his vacation in Texas.
Recently I was given the honor, selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at short notice and I was standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the tested chili would not be too sharp. Moreover, they promised me free beer during the entire competition and I thought to myself
PRIMA, enjoy!
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Richter1: A little too heavy on tomato; Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Edgar. Holy shit! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that's the worst; These Texans are crazy
Recently I was given the honor, selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at short notice and I was standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the tested chili would not be too sharp. Moreover, they promised me free beer during the entire competition and I thought to myself
PRIMA, enjoy!
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Richter1: A little too heavy on tomato; Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Edgar. Holy shit! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that's the worst; These Texans are crazy
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Richter1: , Smoky, with a hint of pork. Light Pepperonibetonung
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Edgar.: Keep this out of reach of children! I do not know what I'm supposed to taste besides pain still could. Two people wanted to give me the beer ran over and dragged as she saw my face
Richter1: , Smoky, with a hint of pork. Light Pepperonibetonung
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Edgar.: Keep this out of reach of children! I do not know what I'm supposed to taste besides pain still could. Two people wanted to give me the beer ran over and dragged as she saw my face
Chili # 3:. Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Richter1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans
Judge # 2. A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers
. FRANK: Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Meanwhile, everyone knows what to do: Bring me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer
Richter1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans
Judge # 2. A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers
. FRANK: Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Meanwhile, everyone knows what to do: Bring me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer
Chili # 4:. Bubba's Black Magic
Richter1: Black bean chili with almost no spice . Disappointing
Judge # 2. A Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I could taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; the ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Chili can be an aphrodisiac
Richter1: Black bean chili with almost no spice . Disappointing
Judge # 2. A Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I could taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; the ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Chili can be an aphrodisiac
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip
Richter1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable Kick. Very impressive
Judge # 2. Minced chili, could use more tomato. I must admit that the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Edgar. My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can not clear . see I farted and four people had to be treated by paramedics after me. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that I have suffered brain damage from your stuff. Sally pouring beer directly from a pitcher on my tongue from bleeding by. I wonder if my lips are burned
Richter1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable Kick. Very impressive
Judge # 2. Minced chili, could use more tomato. I must admit that the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Edgar. My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can not clear . see I farted and four people had to be treated by paramedics after me. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that I have suffered brain damage from your stuff. Sally pouring beer directly from a pitcher on my tongue from bleeding by. I wonder if my lips are burned
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Chili
Richter1: Thin yet bold chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
Judge # 2. The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I had to fart and I'm worried it will eat through pants and chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can not feel my lips anymore. I have the urge to wipe my ass with a snow cone
Richter1: Thin yet bold chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
Judge # 2. The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I had to fart and I'm worried it will eat through pants and chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can not feel my lips anymore. I have the urge to wipe my ass with a snow cone
Chili # 7:. Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Richter1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on Canned
Judge # 2. Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw a can of pepper at the last moment. I am worried about Judge Number 3 . It seems a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a damn thing. In one eye, I've lost and the world sounds like a rushing Waterfall. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed from my mouth and my pants are full of lavaartigem shit to match perfectly with my shirt. At least they'll know when the autopsy what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's just too painful. What `s will I get any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck just by this big hole in my stomach
Richter1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on Canned
Judge # 2. Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw a can of pepper at the last moment. I am worried about Judge Number 3 . It seems a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a damn thing. In one eye, I've lost and the world sounds like a rushing Waterfall. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed from my mouth and my pants are full of lavaartigem shit to match perfectly with my shirt. At least they'll know when the autopsy what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's just too painful. What `s will I get any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll suck just by this big hole in my stomach
Chili # 8:. Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Richter1: A perfect ending, a nice blend chili and suitable for everyone. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
Judge # 2. This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor too sharp. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot down on themselves. 'm Not sure if he comes through. Poor guy, I wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili.
Edgar: .................................... ........................
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